“We’ll cut off your johnson!” -Jacob

starbucks

LESSON LEARNED:

An acceptable punishment for rape is to force the suspect’s entire tribe to circumcise themselves, THEN murder all the men and abduct the women and children. (Genesis, 34: 24-31)

WAIT, WHAT?!?

So this dickbag called Shechem (you would grow up to be a horrible little shit too if your name sounded like someone was about to cough up a throatful of phlegm) sees Jacob’s daughter Dinah, and instead of asking her out for an awkward Starbucks-and-shitty-indie-show date like the rest of us, Phlegm rapes her. Jacob then rolls in with his posse, tells the asshole’s village that he’ll spare them if they all circumcise themselves, which they do. Then he murders them all anyway. You stay classy, Jake.

CONCLUSION:

Look, we have to side with Jacob on this one. But did he really have to make them circumcise themselves with all the luxury of Bronze Age medical knowledge and lack of anesthesia before killing them all? We assume they had butt-rape prisons back then, right? Twenty years-to-life of being some burly tattooed Assyrian’s playtime-bunkmate would have given Phlegm plenty to think about, we think, but then again we’re nowhere near as badass as Cut-Yo-Dick-Off-Jacob.

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