male angel

A lesson on the etiquette of being a good host

LESSON LEARNED: If an unruly mob wants to rape your male guests, please, be a good host, and offer up your virgin daughters instead. Have some manners. (Genesis, 19:4-8) WAIT, WHAT?!?! Lot is a good man. In fact, he’s the only good man in Sodom, so God has decided to save him before destroying the…

old-couple_xl

“The wrinkles… the wrinkles…” – Col. Kurtz

LESSON LEARNED: Old women expect no pleasure from sex. Use this information at your discretion. (Genesis, 18:12) WAIT, WHAT?!?! God promised Sarah a kid, even though she’s well passed menopause, so Sarah starts to doubt that the promise will ever come true (SPOILER ALERT: nasty old-people sex eventually totally works). She even takes a jab…

maid

“…but the maid’s uterus still works!”

LESSON LEARNED: Trouble conceiving? No problem! Bang the maid! (Genesis, 16:2) WAIT, WHAT?!? Abram’s wife Sarai can’t conceive, so she has a brilliant plan: Abram should just bang her Egyptian maid Hagar and get a kid from her, which will not cause any jealousy at all. Abram reluctantly agrees in what must have been the…